Dear everyone: I'm sorry

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Peach
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Posts: 50
Joined: Mon Jun 15, 2020 10:49 am

Dear everyone: I'm sorry

Post by Peach »

I may have made a post like this before in a thread and I know no one really reads this forum anymore, but I wanted to make this for posterity.

I feel I owe everyone an apology for how I used to act on the forums way back when. We were all kids and did dumb shit, but I stood out from everyone else in how cruel I was to people. I conflated power with respect and callously abused it in order to bully people around. It was unacceptable, I hurt a lot of people, and hearing years later how it affected them has left me regretting how I acted.

To put it in perspective, I should probably explain my personal life at the time.

I didn't have an abusive childhood, but my parents were emotionally distant and I was never really taught how to deal with emotions. I was ignored unless I had fits of rage, so it taught me that anger was the only acceptable way to react to things and the only way I could be taken seriously. When I was 11 we moved to Spain and it totally disrupted my social life. My parents became my tormentors and I felt bullied by them at home because I was their only outlet to take out their money woes on. I became lonely and isolated and had no stable group of friends because no one ever lived in Spain for long. I felt like I had no control over my life and started to become withdrawn and bitter and craved any form of control I could muster.

That all manifested when I found the Lock Legion. I finally had a place where I could get the attention and respect I lacked in real life. I found myself suddenly inheriting all of this power when I was made admin and combined with my lack of emotional maturity and stability, made for a dangerous combination. I was insecure and thought being admin automatically commanded respect and popularity, so I was desperate to cling onto it and ferociously defensive of anyone who threatened it. As mentioned before, I only knew how to respond to stimuli with anger, which was why I gained a reputation as a ban-happy admin who was so easy to troll.

What I regret is the effects that had on the community as a whole. I styled myself as the arbiter of what was acceptable in the Lock Legion, and had a raucous distaste for newbies and people who didn't conform to my standard. I'm sure I scared away hundreds of people who could have been great members. The few who either withstood or navigated my abuse either became my enemies, or joined me in my shaming of new members, further spreading the toxicity I started.

Upon reflection, it came from a place of insecurity. I hated newbies because in each of them, I saw myself. Deep down I thought I wasn't good enough and resented myself, so I hated anything that reminded me of that. I bullied these people because really I was bullying myself - people like TV Lock, Mouse Lock, Mango Lock, Evil Hamster Lock, Virus Lock, Arrow Lock, among others - I hated them because they spelled poorly and were beginner animators, and most of all had potential. All things I was guilty of when I first joined. A part of me was also threatened by them and thought that unless I kept people in their place, my position would get usurped by them one day.

It didn't become apparent to me until years later the damage I had done to the community as a whole. I found out from certain Locks that my actions shaped their own behaviors and that to my horror, some people actually looked up to me and the way I acted. That's something I'll regret for a long time because despite everything, coming from a place of insecurity I naively assumed I was too insignificant to actually affect anyone in that way. It really put into perspective how my actions affected and hurt others and the guilt from that is a big reason I've stuck around and paid homage to the Lock Legion in games I've worked on and tried to help out finding Locks jobs in the game industry, and not least, kept a low profile so that hopefully the community can heal.

But I never really made a formal apology, so here it is: To those I had a negative impact on, I'm truly sorry.

LazyPix3l
Posts: 17
Joined: Sat Sep 12, 2020 5:44 am

Re: Dear everyone: I'm sorry

Post by LazyPix3l »

Hey, it’s alright, we all do stupid shit. It all depends whether you grow out of it or not, and you did. So good on you for bettering yourself man!

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Imp Lock
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Re: Dear everyone: I'm sorry

Post by Imp Lock »

Damn thats alot I know im new since ive been here for only a year and we barely have spoke but I think you were my age at this time or slightly older right? Anyway we all do stupid shit and everyone looks back on shit they did and regrets it. Im sure im gonna regret aton of shit I do now 10 years from now. From my knowledge that kind of behavior was quite common and still pretty common (basing that on 4chan, something awful and kiwi farms) and hey atleast you arent Triangle Clock where his only legacy is being a brutal dictator lol. Anyway dont beat yourself up over it because your a good person and dont let anyone tell ya otherwise :)

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Mp3 Lock
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Joined: Thu Jun 18, 2020 8:16 pm

Re: Dear everyone: I'm sorry

Post by Mp3 Lock »

Peach wrote:
Sun Sep 12, 2021 6:02 am
It didn't become apparent to me until years later the damage I had done to the community as a whole. I found out from certain Locks that my actions shaped their own behaviors and that to my horror, some people actually looked up to me and the way I acted. That's something I'll regret for a long time because despite everything, coming from a place of insecurity I naively assumed I was too insignificant to actually affect anyone in that way.

It really put into perspective how my actions affected and hurt others and the guilt from that is a big reason I've stuck around and paid homage to the Lock Legion in games I've worked on and tried to help out finding Locks jobs in the game industry, and not least, kept a low profile so that hopefully the community can heal.
Lol "Angry Peach" was certainly a bit of a menace in the early days but I think you are looking too deep into this. The early LL thrived off conflict, it's what kept us all going in those days, trying to one-up Newgrounds, trying to one-up each other, stagnation is the killer of communities, and the early LL's insane growth was no accident.

Your content created a lot more positive energy then your attitude created negative. And without your rage fueled passion, would you have pressed through the hardest parts of animating? Why did any of us get together to spend years of our lives making keyhole based cartoons and games?

The LL continued on for a solid decade with some of its most productive and active years happening long after you left, and although angry peach wasn't around to punk the new members, the art was still there to inspire them.

Jujubelock
Posts: 14
Joined: Tue Jun 16, 2020 4:20 pm

Re: Dear everyone: I'm sorry

Post by Jujubelock »

I'm not going to read all that, but I accept your apology. We were all shitheads back then, it was sort of our thing.

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Clock
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2020 12:00 pm

Re: Dear everyone: I'm sorry

Post by Clock »

Ah, you know how I feel, Peach.

We were all pretty horrible back in the day. But the important thing is that we've become better people for the most part.

I regret some things myself, like the weird racist animations we'd do or the homophobic nonsense etc. etc. Hell, I bullied the shit out of furries and look what happened to me. Haha whoops.

Let's just try to not subject newer/younger people to thinking that kind of stuff is normal and we're all good. Much love, Peach.

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