Dear everyone: I'm sorry
Posted: Sun Sep 12, 2021 6:02 am
I may have made a post like this before in a thread and I know no one really reads this forum anymore, but I wanted to make this for posterity.
I feel I owe everyone an apology for how I used to act on the forums way back when. We were all kids and did dumb shit, but I stood out from everyone else in how cruel I was to people. I conflated power with respect and callously abused it in order to bully people around. It was unacceptable, I hurt a lot of people, and hearing years later how it affected them has left me regretting how I acted.
To put it in perspective, I should probably explain my personal life at the time.
I didn't have an abusive childhood, but my parents were emotionally distant and I was never really taught how to deal with emotions. I was ignored unless I had fits of rage, so it taught me that anger was the only acceptable way to react to things and the only way I could be taken seriously. When I was 11 we moved to Spain and it totally disrupted my social life. My parents became my tormentors and I felt bullied by them at home because I was their only outlet to take out their money woes on. I became lonely and isolated and had no stable group of friends because no one ever lived in Spain for long. I felt like I had no control over my life and started to become withdrawn and bitter and craved any form of control I could muster.
That all manifested when I found the Lock Legion. I finally had a place where I could get the attention and respect I lacked in real life. I found myself suddenly inheriting all of this power when I was made admin and combined with my lack of emotional maturity and stability, made for a dangerous combination. I was insecure and thought being admin automatically commanded respect and popularity, so I was desperate to cling onto it and ferociously defensive of anyone who threatened it. As mentioned before, I only knew how to respond to stimuli with anger, which was why I gained a reputation as a ban-happy admin who was so easy to troll.
What I regret is the effects that had on the community as a whole. I styled myself as the arbiter of what was acceptable in the Lock Legion, and had a raucous distaste for newbies and people who didn't conform to my standard. I'm sure I scared away hundreds of people who could have been great members. The few who either withstood or navigated my abuse either became my enemies, or joined me in my shaming of new members, further spreading the toxicity I started.
Upon reflection, it came from a place of insecurity. I hated newbies because in each of them, I saw myself. Deep down I thought I wasn't good enough and resented myself, so I hated anything that reminded me of that. I bullied these people because really I was bullying myself - people like TV Lock, Mouse Lock, Mango Lock, Evil Hamster Lock, Virus Lock, Arrow Lock, among others - I hated them because they spelled poorly and were beginner animators, and most of all had potential. All things I was guilty of when I first joined. A part of me was also threatened by them and thought that unless I kept people in their place, my position would get usurped by them one day.
It didn't become apparent to me until years later the damage I had done to the community as a whole. I found out from certain Locks that my actions shaped their own behaviors and that to my horror, some people actually looked up to me and the way I acted. That's something I'll regret for a long time because despite everything, coming from a place of insecurity I naively assumed I was too insignificant to actually affect anyone in that way. It really put into perspective how my actions affected and hurt others and the guilt from that is a big reason I've stuck around and paid homage to the Lock Legion in games I've worked on and tried to help out finding Locks jobs in the game industry, and not least, kept a low profile so that hopefully the community can heal.
But I never really made a formal apology, so here it is: To those I had a negative impact on, I'm truly sorry.
I feel I owe everyone an apology for how I used to act on the forums way back when. We were all kids and did dumb shit, but I stood out from everyone else in how cruel I was to people. I conflated power with respect and callously abused it in order to bully people around. It was unacceptable, I hurt a lot of people, and hearing years later how it affected them has left me regretting how I acted.
To put it in perspective, I should probably explain my personal life at the time.
I didn't have an abusive childhood, but my parents were emotionally distant and I was never really taught how to deal with emotions. I was ignored unless I had fits of rage, so it taught me that anger was the only acceptable way to react to things and the only way I could be taken seriously. When I was 11 we moved to Spain and it totally disrupted my social life. My parents became my tormentors and I felt bullied by them at home because I was their only outlet to take out their money woes on. I became lonely and isolated and had no stable group of friends because no one ever lived in Spain for long. I felt like I had no control over my life and started to become withdrawn and bitter and craved any form of control I could muster.
That all manifested when I found the Lock Legion. I finally had a place where I could get the attention and respect I lacked in real life. I found myself suddenly inheriting all of this power when I was made admin and combined with my lack of emotional maturity and stability, made for a dangerous combination. I was insecure and thought being admin automatically commanded respect and popularity, so I was desperate to cling onto it and ferociously defensive of anyone who threatened it. As mentioned before, I only knew how to respond to stimuli with anger, which was why I gained a reputation as a ban-happy admin who was so easy to troll.
What I regret is the effects that had on the community as a whole. I styled myself as the arbiter of what was acceptable in the Lock Legion, and had a raucous distaste for newbies and people who didn't conform to my standard. I'm sure I scared away hundreds of people who could have been great members. The few who either withstood or navigated my abuse either became my enemies, or joined me in my shaming of new members, further spreading the toxicity I started.
Upon reflection, it came from a place of insecurity. I hated newbies because in each of them, I saw myself. Deep down I thought I wasn't good enough and resented myself, so I hated anything that reminded me of that. I bullied these people because really I was bullying myself - people like TV Lock, Mouse Lock, Mango Lock, Evil Hamster Lock, Virus Lock, Arrow Lock, among others - I hated them because they spelled poorly and were beginner animators, and most of all had potential. All things I was guilty of when I first joined. A part of me was also threatened by them and thought that unless I kept people in their place, my position would get usurped by them one day.
It didn't become apparent to me until years later the damage I had done to the community as a whole. I found out from certain Locks that my actions shaped their own behaviors and that to my horror, some people actually looked up to me and the way I acted. That's something I'll regret for a long time because despite everything, coming from a place of insecurity I naively assumed I was too insignificant to actually affect anyone in that way. It really put into perspective how my actions affected and hurt others and the guilt from that is a big reason I've stuck around and paid homage to the Lock Legion in games I've worked on and tried to help out finding Locks jobs in the game industry, and not least, kept a low profile so that hopefully the community can heal.
But I never really made a formal apology, so here it is: To those I had a negative impact on, I'm truly sorry.